Unnecessary Warnings

The world is a scary place. Sometimes you need help navigating the hazards, which is where friendly warnings come in. "Stay away from the boss today, she's in a bad mood", "Don't drink and drive", "Watch out, the sidewalk is icy", these are useful things to know and so avoid trouble.

Lately I've been getting some ridiculous warnings that make me wonder, "Who needs to be told such obvious things?"

In with new shoes, the little pack of silicone stuff that absorbs moisture is labeled, "Do Not Eat". Because somebody thought it was a snack with purchase? Maybe free LIK-M-Ade?

My new e-reader directions warn against getting it wet (fair enough, not for use in the tub) but continue on to say that if you do get it wet, do not attempt to dry it out by putting it in a microwave oven! I was astounded that anyone would think of this until my niece confessed that she had once tried to dry an ipod in the nuker. (Her mom stopped her in time.)

I have recently had some horrendous dental work done. Ok, it was a cleaning, but it had been 10 years since I had been to the dentist (Yeah, it's a phobia, but can you blame me?) and they had to do the "Deep Cleaning". (Cue ominous music). When I made the appointment I mentioned my dislike of dentistry and asked if they had knock-out gas. (No, I did not ask if they had gas). Yes, indeed, and plenty of it, they said. (Liars)

This deep cleaning can be done in 2 appointments of 2 hours each or 1 appointment lasting 3 hours. Not being a total idiot, I took the 3 hour thing. The hygienist put on the "numbing gel" and got to work. Scraping up under my gums with sharp things and some drill-type machine, it hurt like the dickins! This is when she tells me that she is only allowed to give me enough novacaine for half my mouth! Long story short, at the end of 3 hours, I was a mess. (Please note that I actually have a high pain tolerance. Really.)

Here is where the unnecessary warning comes in. Captain Obvious warns me that this deep cleaning can only be done every 2 years, so don't ask for it again before that! I kinda thought she was joking, but she was serious! I promised through my bloody drool that I would NEVER do such a thing and crawled to my car.

Captain Obvious also gave me a prescription for antibiotic mouthwash. I will describe the taste for you: If a bear ate a tube of toothpaste, his poop would be like this mouthwash. As a bonus, the flavor was long lasting. Another unnecessary warning: NO Refills.

Here is a nice recipe for jalapeno poppers. Two unneeded warnings: Filling is hot, and do not eat the whole batch as a low-carb meal. (A nice person would not ask how I know this).

Jalapeno Poppers

10-15 jalapenos
8 oz cream cheese
1 cup shredded cheddar
6 slices cooked, crumbled bacon

Halve and seed jalapenos. Mix cheeses and bacon in mixer and put into a ziploc bag. Cut off a corner and squeeze goop into jalapenos. Bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes or grill on foil for 30 minutes, until browned.