Wide-Awake Nuts

From the Mpls Strib last Friday (abridged): Johann Scott Scrimshire, 42, was arrested about 6 a.m. near Calhoun Parkway after a 911 call about a man on a bicycle exposing himself to walkers and joggers. The officers who responded said Scrimshire told them he was training for a bike race on the West Coast in which participants ride nude. The officers said he was wearing a skirt-like garment or a pair of shorts with the crotch removed. "It clearly looked intentional" said the police spokesman. Scrimshire is a PARTNER (or he WAS at the time of the incident) in the lawfirm of Scrimshire, Martineau, Gonko and Vavreck. ("Denny Crane, my name's on the door"). Police had received a similar report in the area 10 days earlier, but they were not sure it was related to this case. (Yeah). Scrimshire says, "The charges are ridiculous, and the facts will come out in court."

Ok, are we getting this? Johann is caught waving his willy in the breeze, it's probably not the first time, and all he can come up with is "naked bike race"? You'd think a LAWYER could lie, er, think on his feet, better than that! When he left the house in his home-made pervert suit he needed to have a story aready made up, for pete's sake.

You're wondering if there even IS such a race, aren't you? Doesn't matter. It is quite ILLEGAL to hang your nuts out on Calhoun Parkway no matter what they do in lala land. A lawyer should know this. He should also have heard of a thing called a "stationary bike" that is used in the privacy of one's home, so one can "train" all day in one's birthday suit without being arrested. (Incidentally, my hubby thinks naked bike riding would be VERY uncomfortable.) But that's not the point, is it? The fun is in showing off your tallywhacker to people who, if asked, would NEVER agree to have a look at it. (This is really not the way to impress the ladies, my friend, penii are not pretty at the best of times.)

Johann's case comes up July 30th. As "Boston Legal" lawyer Alan Shore is off the air, I'll step in. He should tell them his shorts ripped. Accidentally, as he was riding. He was on his way home, so embarrassed. I'll be waiting for my fee if that works.

As long as we are on the subject of nuts, here is a red squirrel update. When we last heard of Mrs. Turdie (oh, yeah, it's a girl) she was scolding us from the rafters early in the morning of July 4th. Well, my guys went up north again last weekend. Three families were there Friday night so the rarely used Murphy bed was let down from the wall. (Do you see where this is going?) There is a HUGE CRATER in the center of the bed, with a baby SQUIRREL popping it's head out of it!!! There are also MORE moving lumps in the mattress! Paul and Nate quickly moved it outside. Mama squirrel obviously had another entrance. I'm told all the baby squirrels are happily living in the woods now. (Yeah, I know that is probably not true, but I don't want to know.)

In honor of Johann and his 6 a.m. "sexcapade" here is a recipe for......

Wide-Awake Nuts

4 cups pecan halves
1/2 cup espresso (instant is fine)
2 Tbls Kahlua Liqueur, if desired
1 cup powdered sugar

Toast pecan halves in 300 degree oven for 10-15 minutes (watch so they don't burn). Cover 2 cookie sheets with waxed paper and set aside. Simmer espresso, Kahlua and sugar for 10 minutes then pour over nuts in a bowl. Spread nuts on waxed paper to cool and dry.